LiE tO mE: NYLONS 25th Anniversary Issue unlocks a core memory

and y'all said print is dead-HA!

It Starts With A Wish

I examined the cover of NYLONS June/July 2000 issue with the dedication of a highly regarded paleontologist.

Pink braided/tousled pig-tails check

Baby blue eye shadow check

Cherry Red Lipstick¹ (interesting choice) but still-check

Couture thrift store Americana muscle tee check

"I'm dying my hair pink,” I declared to my Sarah McLachlan poster.

I was alone in my teenage lair. McLachlan’s whimsical smirk was all the approval I needed.

It was settled.

Tower Records sold these illustrious tubs of hair dye called manic panic.

Previously reserved for dedicated punk rock and skater girls, but I felt bold.

I was 17ish, and my latest round of Accutane had finally kicked in.

Yes-I could do this.

The problem with MANIC PANIC in the 1990s/early 2000s was that there were no instructions, unlike the manual accompanying Feria.

So, once my purchase was secured, I smuggled the tub of Cotton Candy Pink (HOT HOT PINK was unavailable) into my house.

I retreated to the bathroom and began selecting strands of honey-blonde hair, poised with a pink glob in hand, and WENT. TO. TOWN

Twisting each chunky strand to ensure maximum absorption.

Then I waited for the goo to dry, which it never really did.

Instructions said 15/20 minutes. Might as well make it 30 for good measure.

Peering into my bathroom mirror, I awaited the transformation.

Deciding this wasn’t happening fast enough. My reasoning?

I hadn’t applied enough.

After reapplying a generous coating to each section, I anxiously resumed waiting for it to adhere/sink in.

Confined to the bathroom like a prisoner (to avoid detection from my mother), I realized I should bring a magazine. So, I waited. And waited, which seemed like forever.

Finally, ransacking the bathroom drawers- I unearthed an old Swatch Watch I had been obsessed with getting years back.

After acquiring it, however, seeing it on my wrist-even the sight of it made me nauseous.

Freud would undoubtedly have something to say about this.

It still worked, though—gotta give it to the Swedes.

By my haphazard calculations, factoring from when I started until now, it had only been 8 minutes.

Oh, this wouldn’t do. I turned on the shower to allude to the detection

Then, I donned multiple towels, two strategically placed over my soon-to-be masterpiece, and pressed my ear against the door.