🕯️ArE yOu AfRAid Of🕯️: "Mall Air"
💊 WARNING 💊 : May induce delusions of grandeur & the inability to not purchase Von Dutch
I’ve referenced Gate-Way drugs before:
But you could get a different kind of hit as a teen-to-25ish-year-old (we’re talking circa 96-07’) that you don’t often hear about…….
It’s less of a “choice” and more of what happens to you-
dramatic interlude-Robert Stack Appears
*Robert Stack Voice*-This part is important
You get lulled by the overhead lighting
You may have had a different name for it.
Or perhaps you never questioned that euphoric buzz that seemed to overtake you once you’d hit the Sabaroos AND Auntie Anne’s
Somewhere between your 3rd Cherry Coke, your eyeline snags on something…
GAP’S HOLIDAY DISPLAY
Before you know it, you’re accosting a well-intentioned Gap employee about the Fair Isle sweater you saw in last month’s Seventeen/Elle/Teen Vogue.
They direct you to the table display of navy, marigold, and cinnamon snowflake sweaters.
“NO!” you growl.
“It was bright, maybe a fuschia, and there were definitely teal or violet-colored snowflakes on the model!”
*Gap employee looks at you like you are insane*
“I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you are talking about.”
You are overcome with a range of emotions; it’s as if the five stages of grief are seeping out of you all at once until suddenly, that Incubus banger filters from the overhead speaker, and you loosen your death grip/stare at the store employee, and you begin to laugh; a manic and maniacal hybrid realizing you can purchase one of those overpriced fair aisle thermals from Abercrombie after the Gaps disappointments.
Ah, yes, ACCEPTANCE.
That’s just one instance of MALL AIR.
Or perhaps you encountered something similar during Nordstrom’s anniversary sale….
Joe Jeans is having a moment circa 2003-and their “Honey” jeans are a hot commodity. You find them on the third floor, and like a heat-seeking missile, you snag the last of your size and twirl around the dressing room, admiring how flattering these are-you don’t need to go on a diet-you need these wildly overpriced jeans for the next party. Little do you know that those tricksters at Nordstrom have “Special’ mirrors on the third floor-ones that are deceptively convincing at elogating and producing flattering angles.
Imagine the HORROR once you shimmy into them in front of your own-unspecial bathroom mirror (dotted with toothpaste-you need to get your shit together btw) and are then sent into a wild shame spiral at the sight of how NOT HOT these “Honey” jeans look.
The stages of grief set in again; through clenched teeth, you curse “MALL AIR.”
Now, know what you are thinking
This is clearly a “GIRL THING.”
Um, it’s universal, and as someone who has seen firsthand the fury it can induce in men and women who are already predisposed to hate all things mall-related (killjoys), it is VERY REAL. MALL AIR DOES NOT DISCREMINENT.
Have you been in the presence of the male species when they have exhibited any of the following:
🔪Sudden and inexplicable rage
🔪Storming out of a store because you are “apparently”
🔪“Taking too long”
🔪“Touching every item”
🔪“Not really going to buy anything.” UM, Rude!
Sound familiar? I thought so.
You, my friend, have been in the presence of Mall Air and its effects on men.
It’s less fun but no less disorienting and jarring.
Happy Halloweenie Muses-share your own Mall Air horrors below…..
IF YOU DARE *tee he-he*
XO
Moi